Stolen innocence, the grade school years

It started when I was in grade school.  I was very shy and timid.  I was an easy target.  Men in general were very scary to me, but then it only got worse.  I shared a room with my younger step-sisters.  Many children would have wished  that they had their own room.  I didn’t though.  I was scared of the dark, I was actually scared of pretty much everything.

I was sitting on the edge of my bed.  I remember thinking that if I opened my window and climbed onto the roof, I could just jump.  I was lonely, scared, and very depressed.  At one point, I even hoped that a UFO might abduct me.

I heard the bathroom door downstairs creak as it opened.  I could hear the tv on.  I hurried up and got under the covers.  Each step made noise as he climbed upstairs into our room.  My sisters were either asleep or like myself, pretending to be.  I barely opened one eye to see who it was.  My cousin was standing in the middle of the room looking at all of us girls.  He saw that I was watching him and started to walk towards me.  He told me to be quiet.  Looking back now as an adult, I shouldn’t have.  He sat on the edge of my bed, where moments earlier I had contemplated jumping to my death.  He started to pull my blanket away from me.  Then he touched my leg.  I didn’t like it and I pulled away from him.  He laughed at me.  He touched me with one hand as he held me in place with the other.  He was older and stronger than me.  I started to cry and my sisters started moving in their bed.  He looked at them and said I better be quiet or they were next.  I wasn’t sure what he was going to do to me, but I knew it was bad.  I wanted to protect my sisters.  He took my pajamas and underwear off.  I tried to get away but the harder I tried, the stronger he was.  I felt my eyes stinging with tears.  I felt his hand between my legs and I crossed my legs tightly so he couldn’t touch me.  He bent my wrist backwards and told me to stop it.  He kept saying “let me touch it” these words still haunt me to this day.  He covered my mouth and nose with his hands.  I still remember the smell of Ivory soap.  I hate that smell.  I couldn’t breath and I got scared so I bit him.  I heard someone walking around downstairs.  It was my dad.  My cousin laughed at me as he walked away.  I heard him tell my dad that he was saying goodnight to us girls.  I was so thankful that he left our room.  I was tired, but I tried really hard not to fall asleep in case he came back.  The next morning, I woke up with bruises all over my arms.  I didn’t know how I was going to explain them, but it didn’t matter because nobody ever asked what happened.  This went on for years.  I didn’t have anyone that I could tell.  Finally, a school counselor asked me to come into her office.  She asked me about my home life and once I started talking everything came out.  I’m not sure if it was a coincidence or something else, but after that, I went to live with my mom. I was sure he wouldn’t bother me anymore.

I wrote this poem about him:

He crept into my room to break my trust-

so that he could fulfill his desires of lust-

after that night, I became a soul defiled-

before then I was an innocent child-

he was sick, mean, and twisted and

since then I’ve paid the price-

but he was just excused for having a vice-

why didn’t they protect me?

instead they sat idly as he wrecked me-

all they did was neglect me-

now as an adult, I try to move on-

he can’t hurt anyone else, because he’s gone.

 

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