When I think back to childhood one positive thing I remember is that I was thin. I had almost white hair and tons of freckles. Back in the day, freckles were what I obsessed about. I wanted to be rid of them so much. I think it was maybe 4th grade when the teacher was trying to explain to some foreign students what freckles were. She called me up in front of the class to be her demonstration. I was really shy anyway so this only made me feel more like an outcast. I still have freckles, lots of them, but I don’t worry about them anymore.
So I survived childhood even with my freckles. In high school, I was still in fairly good shape. Back then, I thought I was fat and my legs were huge, but now I look at pictures from then and wish I could have that body back . So for 18 years, I had a somewhat healthy body. Then I moved out on my own. It’s funny the things we remember. I remember that one of the first things I bought when I moved out what a deep fat fryer. I bought it so I could make onion rings whenever I wanted to because I was an adult and I could do whatever I wanted. The bad part is that I did just that. I ate a lot of onion rings. My favorite meal was french toast with a side of onion rings and ranch. For years I ate whatever I wanted. I would have chocolate milk and 2 packages of twix bars for breakfast. Of course I started gaining weight and many people assumed that I was pregnant. Nope just getting fat. I worked at a fast food restaurant so I could eat all the fried food, soda, and ice cream that I wanted. I kept telling myself that I could start eating healthy if I wanted to and I could work out if I wanted to. I guess I didn’t want to.
When I moved out I weighed about 165. I found out I was pregnant in 1990, two years after I moved out and at the beginning of my pregnancy, I weighed 209. I had a miscarriage and I guess eating cake and cookies was my way of dealing with that. When I got pregnant the second time, I weighed 215. I couldn’t be healthy for myself, but I tried really hard to eat healthy while I was pregnant. At first I lost weight but then throughout the pregnancy only gained very little weight and my son was born healthy. Ok, so then I thought I was going to lose all the weight and be a healthy mom and run and play with my son. Nope, I lost weight at first, but then I went back to my old eating habits. So pretty soon, I weighed 240-250. I tried working out, I tried taking pills, I tried fad diets, nothing worked because I would cheat. So I resolved to just be fat. I even convinced myself that I would get pregnant again and after I had my second child, everything would change and I would be thin again. Well, I got pregnant again in 1995, I had my daughter and I lost weight. I was taking Phentermine and I had all kinds of energy. I took it for a long time and I was back down to 180. For whatever reason, it quit working for me and my weight shot back up to around 250. This continued off and on until I’m where I am now. I lose weight and then I gain it all plus more back. I have tried almost every diet out there. I even had surgery and have the lap band. It didn’t work, I lost a total of 7 pounds with it. I’m not blaming the band, it’s me. I cheat and make promises to myself that I don’t keep. As embarrassing as it is to me, I will reveal that I now weight 313 pounds. I’ve seriously been considering gastric bypass.
When I look in the mirror I see a very unhappy person. I have eczema so my face is often red, blotchy and flaky before make up. I have a lot of excess weight and I just generally look unhappy. My daughter says I have resting bitch face lol. I have a fairly sedentary lifestyle. I want to be healthy! I love to hike, but I don’t go hiking. I love evening walks, but I don’t go walking ever. I work and go to school from home so I sit all day. For the past 4 or 5 months, I’ve gone vegan and I feel a lot better, but haven’t seen a loss of weight yet. I don’t cheat by eating meat because I find meat disgusting and always have. I did find an article that said Oreo’s and Nutter Butter cookies are vegan so guess what I’ve been cheating with. An entire package of Oreo’s with soy milk. I have decided that I cannot buy soy ice cream or cookies because I’m not responsible enough to have them in the house. I have started making smoothies with Organo Gold coffee which has many good health benefits. I’m not trying to be a salesperson, but I am a distributor and you can check it out and purchase it at: janicemikesell.organogold.com. They even launched a new weight loss shake on there last week and people have lost a lot of weight. I am eating only raw vegan food until 4:00 pm each day and then rice or beans for dinner. I hope to eventually go fully raw vegan. I truly am miserable with my appearance and I really want to change. So I think every Friday I’ll weigh in and maybe the accountability on here will help. Also, any suggestions are always appreciated. I’m tired of being fat!
I found this article that really explains a lot of what I am feeling on healthyplace.com. It says that there are 3 parts to eating disorders.
- Unhealthy relationship with food. This includes having rigid rules with food. Feeling guilty about eating. I feel guilty and ashamed almost every time that I eat anything, especially if I’m with other people. It also includes engaging in binge eating. I bet that is what I talked about earlier when I mentioned eating all of the Oreo’s at one sitting.
- Unhealthy relationship with my body. This includes valuing body weight and /or appearance as the most important aspect of their self worth. I am really bad about that one. Also, difficulty interpreting the body’s internal signs such as hunger or satiety. Lastly, and the one that describes me most of all, is feeling very disappointed with physical appearance. Sometimes, this interferes with daily life. I don’t want to leave the house because people will make fun of me. I don’t want to go to a restaurant because I feel like I will be judged. I often only talk to people online so that they can’t see what I look like. It’s probably a good thing that I’m in counseling lol.
- Unhealthy weight regulation practices. These include excessive exercise. I wish I could do that. Abuse of laxatives or diuretics. I am guilty of drinking smooth move tea, you might be laughing, but it’s a real thing. I also have drank sodium citrate on more than one occasion. Self induced vomiting. I don’t do that too often. Lastly, abuse of diet pills. I don’t do that anymore, but only because I’m already worried about having a heart attack.
So, I’ll check in next Friday and we’ll see if my new plan works. If you have any suggestions, please comment or email them to me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Thank you for reading my blog, I appreciate it!