Why is it so hard to be patient?

Have you ever felt like you’re trapped in a maze?  You want to find your way out, but really there isn’t an opening to escape the maze even though you think there is. You try every way you can to get out, but really you’re not getting out until the timing is right and someone creates an exit for you to escape.

Until recently I had been so obsessed with moving to the west coast before it snowed here in Denver.  Well, recently it snowed and I was devastated.  I had a small,  private meltdown and at first felt doomed.  Then, I received an email a few days ago that said you can’t be happy with something you want that’s new until you can be happy with what you have.  When we first moved back to Denver a few years ago, I really enjoyed it.  My daughter and I would go to festivals, farmer’s markets, and hang out downtown.  My husband and I would go on road trips or almost every Sunday, we went hiking.  Family would come to Denver from Montana for visits.  Somewhere along the line, things changed.  I developed a fear of leaving the house.  It’s a big city so obviously there is crime, but I knew that when we moved back here.  I started to think about Denver differently.  To me it was no longer the cool, relaxed, city that I loved to explore.  It became a dark, scary monster.  I realize now that Denver didn’t change.  I changed.  I gave into my fears and stayed home as much as possible.  I began obsessing about moving.  I felt like if we couldn’t save enough money to move by the time winter came, my life would fall apart. I felt like I would be a failure and everyone would think I was a loser.  I kept getting little signs about God’s timing.  I chose to ignore the signs.  I recently took time to slow down and think about this.  As my grandma, Mary Dailey used to say, “everything happens for a reason”.  Who knows what reason it is, but it’s not our time to move yet.  One thing I did discover is that while there is crime here,  there is crime everywhere.  A few weeks ago, my Mom came for a visit.  Before she got here, I started looking at things to do in and around Denver.  We went to Manitou Springs, ate at new vegan restaurants, went to the botanical gardens, went to the aquarium where we fed stingrays and even had a meet and greet with a sloth.  As I watched my Mom’s face light up like a little girl while she was feeding the rays, one thing really stuck with me, I asked my daughter why when my Mom had visited so many times, have we never went and done any of these things.  Why have I let a fearful, paranoid terror monster take over my life?  I even taught my daughter to be fearful to be in public and I feel bad for that.  She deserves to be outside, exploring the place we live.  So, since winter is on its way, and it looks like we won’t be able to move until April or so of 2017, I will vow to be happy where we are.  There are so many discoveries and adventures here.  While it is a bit of a drive, Bishop’s castle is amazing.  The places available to hike are all around us here.  There is so much beauty in nature. There are kind, helpful, caring people here.  I need to stop thinking that I will be shot for walking the dog or going out to a festival.  I will be more patient and accept that it’s God’s timing and when the time is right, we will move.  I do long to be by the ocean and I will be there hopefully next year.  In the mean time, I will strive to be happy where I am.

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