A fictional love story with light erotica. I hope enjoy!
This morning, I weighed in at 229.4. It has been so many years since I have weighed this little. Being in the 220’s is something I only dreamed about when I started my journey last November.
You see, when I was 18, I started down a road that was definitely not the best path for me to take. I didn’t listen to many people who told me not to go that route. I don’t regret it though, because I know that everything happens a reason and because at the end of that road, I ended up with two awesome, healthy and amazing children.
Recently, my Mom taught me about different growing zones for plants and flowers and today I was thinking about that.
When I was 18, I was alive, excited, and awake, but also naive. I was like one of those roses that you sometimes see that is about to open and bloom, but seems like it just didn’t have what it needed to make that happen. It’s beautiful red petals turn dark and start to shrivel up afraid to open and experience life. I was that rose, not getting what I needed to thrive. Each bad decision only caused me to decay and lose more of myself. I wasn’t in the right growing zone and I don’t just mean geographically. Part of me felt like I would just stay that way until one day I died. All closed up and shriveled. All of my petals lifelessly blown away by the wind from life’s storms.
On November 28, 2016 that all changed. I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. I still remember how nervous I was the day of surgery. I was so worried that I wouldn’t make it through surgery, I must have prayed about a million times that day. I made it through just fine. Since then I’ve worked really hard. Anyone who says that I took the easy way, has never been through it. I have had an incredible amount of support from friends and family.
I feel like I have been transplanted! I’m definitely in the right zone now. I am starting to feel and see new growth. Mentally and physically I am changing. Of course I still need work. A quote by Liberty Hyde Bailey says, “A garden requires patient labor and attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expended effort on them.” I continue to thrive and try to be patient with myself. I can tell you one thing though, I’m starting to blossom!
In 11 days, I will be 47. My life hasn’t been easy, but who can honestly say their life was all good and always easy? Not many people. My parents had me when they were both very young. I don’t remember us ever being a happy little family. I have heard stories from both sides that things weren’t good. My Mom and I started living with my grandparents. When I was around 5, I had to go live with my dad and his wife. It was made obvious that I was not wanted there. I lived with my dad and his wife until I was 13. I was very happy to get out of that house. I never felt wanted or loved. If we lived in a house with a room in the creepy, dark basement, that was my room. I was told that I was to be seen and not heard. I was told that I was a “lunatic”. I was told by my dad’s wife that I was “an ugly little girl that nobody liked or wanted”. I was molested for years by a family member while my dad and his wife were just one room away. I always felt hated by my dad’s wife. When I was a teenager, if I called to talk to my dad and she answered, I would just hang up. My relationship with my dad was troubled for much of my life. I did not make it easy for him to be a part of my life and he didn’t make it easy for me to be part of his life. He never hugged me or played with me. He wasn’t that kind of dad I guess. As I got older, things got more and more stressed. I will admit that I was not the perfect child. I had a bit of a wild side and I did not like to follow the rules. In high school, I drank and experimented with drugs. I was a party girl and I didn’t think it was important to spend time with my dad, his wife, or my step-sisters. I got married when I was 18 and I asked my dad to drive to Idaho to walk me down the aisle. He said no. My step-dad did it. My Mom and I have always been very close. I often asked her why my dad didn’t love me, she would say that he did, but he just didn’t show it the way some dad’s did. By the time that I had my son, my dad and I had been through many disagreements, but I wanted him to be proud of me as a mom. I worked hard on the relationship between myself and his wife and we actually started to get along for the first time in years. I felt like I was a part of their family. They loved my son and were always happy to see him. Then I had my daughter and my dad’s wife treated her differently. She didn’t treat the kids the same, she made it clear that my son was favored. I wrote her a letter and told her that she needed to start treating them equally or she wasn’t going to see either one of them. That of course started a fight. They didn’t talk to me for several months. My dad wrote me a letter which I still have saying that he needed me and the kids in his life and that he loved us. It was the nicest thing he had ever said to me. I agreed to start spending time with his family again. The relationship was okay, but tense. We had family photos at the mall and his wife said for one of the shots she only wanted the “real grandkids” in the picture. I was hurt and angry and we left. I’m sure it was difficult for my dad to be in the middle, but anytime I complained to him about things like that situation, he always took his wife’s side. He never stood up for me.
I think it was 2008, my dad started coming to the day spa where I worked to get regular massages. He had some health issues that I was addressing along with a co-worker of mine. One day right as I walked into work for the day, I got a phone call. It was my dad, he said that he was sick and wanted to apologize for mistakes that he made in the past. He wanted to know if I could forgive him. It was very odd to get a phone call like that especially at work. As it turned out, he was really sick and ended up in the hospital. I went there to see him and was met by his wife who told me that I wasn’t welcome there. Her oldest daughter backed her up with rude comments. They even made it so that I couldn’t go see my dad unless I scheduled an appointment with them. At one point my dad’s wife tried to punch me in the face at the hospital for wanting to see my dad. When he got better, I tried to tell him what happened. He didn’t want to hear about it.
My dad and I have gotten a lot closer since then, we have talked often and about our past. He said things shouldn’t have been the way they were. Now that I am a parent, I see how easy it is to disappoint your children even if you think you’re doing the right thing. He has been calling several times a week and sending texts and Facebook messages. A little over a month ago, he got sick again and has been hospitalized. It’s like deja vu. The only way I can talk to my dad is by phone, but only when nobody else is at the hospital. If it wasn’t for my youngest sister, I wouldn’t be able to Facetime him or have any contact with him. I asked if I could go see him this Saturday, I was told no, because his other daughter will be there and I can’t be there if she is because she doesn’t like me. I wasn’t going to see her, I want to see my dad. I tried talking to his case worker only to find out that his wife has a power of attorney so she has a legal right to keep me from seeing him. I was told that he is dying and I am not even going to get to say goodbye in person to my dad. I’m so hurt and angry. I wasn’t a perfect child and I’m not a perfect person. I’ve made many mistakes in life, but what have I done that’s so bad that the right to say goodbye to my dying father has been taken away from me? I was told yesterday that I can see him, but only on their terms. I work and I just moved to a new state. I have limitations on when I can drive to see him, but they simply don’t care. I hope he knows that I love him and that I understand that it’s hard to be a parent. I have decided to remove myself from having any contact with his wife or his daughters. Trying for the past 47 years to be included in a family where I am not wanted or accepted is exhausting and I just cannot do it anymore. I’m not the type to give up on anything, but I don’t see any other option. I will continue to pray for my dad. I hope that he’s not in pain and that he’s not scared. Most of all I pray that he knows that I love him and I tried to be able to tell him that in person.
In August of 2013, my family and I pulled up in front of the apartment that we rented off Craigslist. We had been living in North Carolina and moved back to Denver. When we pulled up, I noticed a happy little black and white dog running around in the grass and a man who I assumed was her owner reading his cell phone. As we got out of the car, the dog ran over to us and we gave her a quick pet and said hi to the man who at that time was a stranger but would eventually become one of my best friends and the closest thing I ever had to a brother. We didn’t become friends instantly, anytime I saw the dog, Rosie, I would go out of my way to pet her. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love animals, especially dogs. One day the man, Greg and Rosie were in the elevator as I got in. I noticed he had a t-shirt on with one of my favorite bands, Big Head Todd and the Monsters, on it. I said, “is that a Big Head Todd shirt?” He looked surprised and said “Yes, I love them. Do you like them?” So we started talking about music and found out we had a lot of common music interests. He seemed nice so I invited him to come hang out with my husband, daughter, and myself. One afternoon there was a knock on the door and I opened it and there was Greg and Rosie. They hung out with us and we all got to know each other. We learned that he grew up in Aurora and we told him about growing up in Montana and Alaska. Our friendship started to grow.
Eventually he told us that anytime we wanted to hang out to come over and that anytime we wanted to play with Rosie we could go get her. He didn’t have to tell me that twice…lol. At that time, we didn’t have a dog. We would go get Rosie often, we would take her to the dog park, to dairy queen, to Petco to get her favorite carob cookies, or just hang out with her at our house down the hall from Greg’s. My daughter would bake her special treats and send them home with her. She always knew when he would get home, so she enjoyed hanging out with us, but the second he was home, she was ready to go back.
Greg liked to have fun. He would always invite us to go float the river, hang out with him at a cabin in Bailey, watch the Broncos win, or whatever. He was always happy and I don’t think I can remember very many times that I saw him that he wasn’t smiling. If anyone of us had a problem, we could talk to Greg without judgement. He was a great listener. One night, my husband was on call and had to go in to work, we had a gaming console on Craigslist and a man wanted to come look at it. Since it was just my daughter and I home, I sent Greg a text and explained what was going on. I asked him if I was feeling uncomfortable could I ask him to come over. He just came over right away and he and Rosie waited with us.
I have so many memories of Greg and Rosie. (that’s actually how they are saved in my phone contacts lol) Greg always made us laugh. They would come over almost every weekend and became such a big part of our lives. We considered them family. Here are some of my favorite memories of Greg:
The night we were playing cards against humanity and he “made it rain” with the cards.
My daughter bought a quite unusual painting at a yard sale. Greg really didn’t like it, he said it was creepy. She would place it all around our apartment complex to bug Greg. She even hung it outside his apartment. He was a good sport, but he eventually hid in the corner behind the elevator thinking she wouldn’t find it. She did lol and it still hangs in our house today but now with special meaning.
My Mom painted a styrofoam witch head for Halloween, it sits in our art corner by the couch were Greg always sat when he came over. He would turn it around so it wasn’t looking at him.
He always, always wanted us to watch The Cabin in The Woods
One day, some mormon boys brought cookies over to our house and asked us to listen to them talk about their religion. When they left, Greg said he saw them delivering cookies and thought that maybe they were part of my daughters fan club lol. She told him she was offended that he thought there would only be two guys.
Greg loved animals. Our little dog, Dobby was no exception. He loved Dobby. Dobby has a strange habit of licking people’s ears. We all laugh about it and tell him to knock it off. Not Greg, Greg would let him and in fact would say, “go ahead Dobby, get ya some ear wax” lol
One night he was talking about this crazy lady who always seemed to be at the mailboxes when he and Rosie were there. He said she just loved Rosie. I said are you talking about me, and he laughed and said yes.
One of my favorite memories, was the night that Greg, my husband, Craig and I went to dinner at Outback Steakhouse. Greg had a few drinks before we went out and then at dinner too. He was acting pretty silly like we all do after a few drinks. He asked the waiter for a box to take his leftovers home to Rosie. They way he said it though was, “can I please have you wrap up this steak so I can take it home to my lady. She will be so happy with this gift that I bring home to her” my husband said, “are you talking about your dog?” and Greg said, “Craig, be quiet” I laughed hysterically and the waiter just rolled his eyes at us and left. By the time we left, after a few more drinks, we were all laughing pretty hard because Greg was telling us about growing up in Aurora or A town as he called it. He said he would go outside to play with his friends in the morning and not come back until night. They would play all day. The funny part was that he said that they would often have to hunt for their lunch in the fields of A town. I knew it was the drinks talking and that he probably didn’t really hunt for his lunch. I asked him what did you hunt? He said they hunted for “naked bunny nests”. I will never forget that. It was the silliest thing and I still to this day wonder what a naked bunny nest is.
There are so many fun memories of Greg and Rosie that I could just write for hours. They made us laugh and recently made us cry. They were here last Saturday night. Greg was sitting in his usual spot on the couch and Rosie was getting pet and spoiled with treats while Dobby followed her all around our apartment like her little shadow. If I would have know that was the last time I would see him, I would have hugged him. I would have thanked him for being my friend and being like a brother to me. I would have done so many things different. It’s not often that you find people like Greg anymore. He was so kind, funny, giving, and just a good guy. He stopped by Tuesday to get the Westword. I was working so I asked my daughter to give it to him. The last text I sent him was Tuesday at 9:15 pm. Several sirens were going off in front of our complex, not that uncommon. I sent a text saying, “are you guys ok?” I expected him to say “yep, what’s going on?” When he didn’t text back, I asked my husband to go check on him, but by then he was already gone.
Our lives will never be the same. It’s hard to walk out our door and not see him and Rosie coming down the hall. He won’t be sitting in his spot on our couch. Losing Greg has been very difficult for my family and I and I can’t even imagine how hard it is on his family and Rosie.
We miss you Greg and we will always have you in our hearts and our memories. Rest in peace. We love you.
So yesterday, I had my first appointment to see the dietitian to make sure that I’m getting enough protein and doing everything the way I should be after surgery. I’m doing great. While I was in the waiting room, I was reading some handouts and one of them was titled, “101 Thing to Do Besides Eat”. I was reading it and thought, I should make my own version of it. So here it is:
- Take Dobby for a walk
- Create a visionary board of my fitness/health goals
- Play with Bob Quillan
- Watch The Flintstones, (I won’t want a brontosaurus burger since I’m eating a vegetarian diet)
- Find new coupons and check the weekly ad match-ups
- Send someone a random thank you note
- Make a list of things that I am proud of (the kids, staying away from Voodoo donuts, etc.)
- Look online for new jokes, then share them with others.
- Find new healthy recipes
- Write poetry
- Art therapy, and ignore Brandon and Kaelin when they say all of my pictures have a hidden penis in them.
- Watch hoarders, then clean the house
- do Just Dance on the Wii U, ignore the downstairs neighbor pounding on the wall, who gave his brat kid a drum set for Christmas
- Listen to Pink Floyd
- Look at old photos
- D.I.Y. projects
- Make a goals list
- Study things to do in Oregon and Washington
- Clean and organize my closet, I’ll be able to wear those clothes very soon, neon spandex is still in style right?
- Make up tutorials from Kaelin or YouTube, I still have some blue eye shadow from the 80’s it should be good
- GO TO THE GYM
- Write my feelings in my “get better book”
- Write a story about Toilet Wolf
- Give a massage
- Organize my stock pile
- Photo session with Dobby, Rosie, and Bob
- Clean the car and Jeep
- Notice my inner conversations
- Practice breathing techniques
- Listen to George Michael
- Drink some tea, Kaelin only has about 50 types for me to choose from
- Quiz myself on the state capitals
- Smudge the house
- Get caught up on school
- Run up and down the steps
- Pack things to get ready for our move
- Learn more about photography
- Defeat the terror monster
- Practice letting go of the past
- Think about all of the things that I ate in the past that were bad for me and be thankful that I don’t do that anymore. I actually put mayo on pepperoni pizza and ate it. Yuck!
- Call my Mom
- Make healthy snacks a.k.a. hide kale in food so Craig can’t see it
- Spotify (I have some pretty awesome playlists on there)
- Read a book
- Make a top ten list of reasons to get healthy
- Get a massage
- Fitbit app
- Volunteer to help someone
- Read about being a part of OAC (Obesity Action Coalition)
- Sit ups
- Watch a movie
- Brush my teeth and use the water pik
- Get a facial
- Buy some fresh fruit, vegetables, and herbs
- Mini golf
- Build something
- Count my blessings
- Play cards, I kick ass at Go Fish
- Learn about the stock market
- Try a new relaxation technique
- Stretch, maybe I’ll get taller
- Picture a stop sign in my head
- Do something for someone anonymously
- Play Scrabble
- Clean the fridge
- Play Trivia games on my phone
- Look into publishing my poems and stories
- Make a visionary board for my future
- Take Dobby and Rosie to the dog park
- Take a nap, sleep is very good for you
- Re-arrange our bedroom
- Go somewhere to people watch (not like a stalker though)
- Go to the zoo, but never again on free day
- Go to the Denver art museum
- Go to the U.S. Mint, I wonder what kind of mints they have there
- Clean the carpets
- Wash the windows
- Explore new hairstyles
- Get a manicure (it’s not football season for us Broncos fans, so I have nails)
- Learn more about aromatherapy
- Pray for people
- Lift weights while working at my desk all day
- Continue learning Spanish
- Look for places to hike
- Go for a drive in the mountains, love it there!
- Study alternative health news and discuss with Kaelin
- Plan a date night
- Clean the spice cupboard, you can never have too much garlic
- Study motocross and discuss with Brandon
- Look for festivals, especially those with a hippie theme
- Feel my feelings
- Practice food prep./storage for tiny meals.
Wow! It’s been a long time since I blogged. Of course Christmas is always a busy time, trying to make sure you mail cards out and get presents mailed and everything else. Add a life changing to surgery to all that and things get pretty crazy.
I went in on Monday, November 28th at 6 a.m. for surgery. I couldn’t sleep the night before because I was so nervous. I was so afraid that I was going to die in surgery that I almost backed out. I was terrified, but something kept me there and going forward. I think that I knew at that point that I just didn’t have any other way to get healthy. In the weeks before surgery I was eating worse than ever. The night before I started my liquid diet, I ate an entire box of cookies and two giant candy bars. That was after several bowls of cereal. The people at Taco Bell were starting to know me personally. At one point while in pre-op I asked my husband and daughter if we could just leave and go to Voodoo donuts. They said if I really didn’t want the surgery we could leave, but if I was just scared we probably shouldn’t.
After I talked to the surgeon and the anesthesiologist I felt better. They gave me something for anxiety and off we went to the operating room. I remember them putting a face mask on and then the next thing I knew I felt like I was in a raft and everything was bright. They inflated the blanket I was on and moved me to my bed and then I went to the recovery room where I just felt extremely thirsty. My throat was sore, but they said they couldn’t give me ice chips or water yet. Next thing I remember is going upstairs to my room where my husband and daughter were. I might have been on strong medication because the nurse who I was sure was Trevor Siemian, (always a Broncos fan) asked me my name and I told him it was Superstar. The hospital stay wasn’t too bad, my daughter stayed with me so that made it easier. My blood pressure which is never usually high was up there for some reason. I had nausea but didn’t vomit and started walking right away. I stayed there for 2 days.
When I got home, I slept in the recliner for a few days. My temperature and blood pressure kept going all over the place which is never good for someone who already has anxiety. One night I kept getting leg pain and numbness and after talking to my doctor, I was sent to the ER to be checked for a blood clot. Initiate panic attack! Thank God it was just dehydration causing muscle cramps. So back home I went thankfully. All but one incision had almost healed and aside from not having much energy I was feeling good. At that point I was down 30 pounds. So last week, I took a shower and was getting dressed when I bent over I heard what sounded like water being poured in the carpet. I was confused at first but then realized it was blood and saw it squirting like a fountain out of the big incision that hadn’t healed yet. Again initiate panic! I yelled for my daughter and husband who came in to see me crying and covered in blood. I grabbed the first thing out of the laundry basket next to me, a pair of my husband’s socks, and put pressure on the incision. My daughter somehow knew to pour peroxide on the carpet to remove all the blood that I lost. My husband got me dressed and we went back to the ER. They said it was normal, not to worry (yea right), they stopped the bleeding and glued me back together and sent me home.
I know it sounds like a lot of problems, but I still say it was worth it. I’m not hungry ever and so far I have lost 32 pounds since November 28th. My anxiety is definitely higher than usual, but things could have been a lot worse. I pray a lot. I rely on friends and family for support a lot. I try to keep my mind busy so I don’t have too much time to think and worry.
Right now my diet is at the soft foods stage. I can try anything that I can mash with a fork. I have to get 60-80 grams of protein each day. I am allowed two cups of coffee, but haven’t tried it yet. No more than 5 grams of sugar per serving of anything. I go to the doctor this week for him to check on the big incision. It’s bigger because they took the lap band out through there. As soon as that heals, I can start working out. I don’t know if any of you watch American Ninja Warrior, but Megan Martin is my inspiration. That is my goal, to have a body similar to hers.
So, I’m doing good for the most part. I’m feeling good, but working on controlling my anxiety. I’m losing weight. I have healthy goals! Most important I have a huge support system with the best friends and family that a girl could ask for! I love you guys!
Well, my surgery date is quickly approaching. Yesterday, the anxiety of it all was overwhelming. Someday’s are just like that though. So I was thinking that I should write a letter to food. Yes, a letter to food. I have not had a good relationship with food for a long time. It’s time to think about food in a new way.
I don’t remember us having problems when I was younger. I really didn’t like you or obsess about you like I do now. I guess I thought of you differently as a child. You didn’t taste good to me. I didn’t wake up and start thinking about you. So, I would say when our relationship changed was when I had more freedom to make choices about what I ate. I would say around age 14. I fell in love with Doritos. I would eat them as often as I could. Thankfully, my Mom was there to help me control what and how much I was eating. I was still average size. When I was 16, I started working as a maid on the weekends. I had my own money and I could do pretty much what ever I wanted. I remember one day, I got off work and I was really hungry. I stopped at the grocery store on my way home. I bought a package of cookies and a half gallon of milk to snack on when I got home. The cookies never made it home. I remember still to this day thinking, what the hell is wrong with me, I just ate an entire package of cookies while driving home. I started hiding food in my car and in my bedroom. I would sneak food into the bathroom and eat it. I wasn’t too sneaky since I often forgot the wrappers in plain sight in the bathroom trash. I tried to be more careful about the choices I made with you after that until I turned 18.
When I turned 18, I made a lot of bad decisions. I tried to move all the way across the United States, that didn’t work. I moved back and started dating someone who I didn’t trust from a previously short lived relationship. I got drunk and decided to get married to the person that I didn’t trust. I worked at a fast food restaurant where I served you to people all day long. Milkshakes, sundaes, bacon cheeseburgers, onion rings, and you get the idea. So, food, our relationship started to get a little damaged at that point. I created all types of combinations when I was bored at work. I wanted a baby so bad that I often convinced myself I might be pregnant and started eating for two. We didn’t have much money because we both made minimum wage. I was very naive and didn’t know much about being a wife. The next door neighbor offered to sell me his food stamps one day. I didn’t really even know what they were. I also didn’t know it was illegal for him to sell them to me, I should have known that paying $50 for $200 was not just my lucky day. If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is fits here. So I had all these food stamps that I bought and I went to the store. I asked the cashier how they worked. So I bought a lot of different versions of you. Cookies, cheesecake, hot dogs, of course Doritos, lots of soda, and several versions of frozen deliciousness. After that food ran out, I thought maybe I could sign up for my own food stamps. I did and I got $400 per month. Then it all went down hill. I didn’t clip coupons anymore. I didn’t plan meals anymore. I ate you whenever I wanted and it which ever form I wanted. I often had a quart of chocolate milk and a king size peanut butter twix bar for breakfast. I didn’t realize I was in trouble with you yet.
When I was 19, I finally got my wish. I was pregnant. I couldn’t wait to me a Mom. As it turns out I would have to wait a little longer. I had a miscarriage. I was so sad and lost, I turned to you. I ate an entire cake by myself the day after the miscarriage. I convinced myself that it was ok because I was so upset. Several months later, I got pregnant again. I was very worried all the time. I started eating more of you more frequently. I was gaining weight quickly. I had tried on a pair of bib overalls one day and I asked my little cousin how I looked. She said I looked like a pregnant farmer. The problem with that was that I was only a month along. There was no way I was starting to show my pregnant belly. It was my food belly she was seeing. When I was 21, I had my son. Life was stressful. My relationship with his dad was very damaging and the more stressed I became, the more I turned to you.
By the time I got pregnant for the second time, my relationships with my husband and with you were bad to put it mildly. I would steal you from the store because I thought I needed you to fill an empty space. I was able to feed the kids good versions of you or what I thought at the time were good versions. When it came to me, I would hide you and sneak you when nobody was around. I ate horrible, unhealthy versions of you. My favorite was cookies.
So now we are here. I’m 46, the kids are grown up. The bad marriage ended. I’m happy with most of my life. It’s our relationship that isn’t any better and possibly worse than it was. I have eaten way too much of you and made almost every wrong choice I could when it came to you. I’ve tried every diet, every trick, every short cut, pills, special drinks, blah blah blah…it never worked. Your hold on me was too strong. I am having this surgery. You will not be able to control me anymore. I will not be your victim. I won’t be physically able to consume you fast or in large amounts. I won’t think about you when I wake up. My world won’t revolve around you anymore. No more buffets, calls to Pizza Hut, or late night drives up the road to Sonic. We have had some very yummy memories and I’ve loved you and hated you for what you’ve done to me. So, I’m done with you. I’m ending our toxic relationship. Goodbye food and hello healthy, happy Janice. I’ve really missed you.