F.O.R.

F.O.R.  fear of rejection

 

Today I feel like blogging about an issue that I find myself struggling with.  My ex-husband and I separated last August.  When we were married, I often felt rejected and ignored.   This might be t.m.i., but it’s been a couple of years or longer since I was intimate with anyone.  Yes, even when I was married.  After he left last year, I feared being alone and I thought I should start dating right away. WRONG!  I went on a date right after he left.  It wasn’t good.  The guy seemed really nice online, but in person was a jackass.  He drank a lot on our first date.  He talked about me moving in with him after only two online conversations.  He admitted to being bipolar and then said he typed that incorrectly in his text and said he wasn’t really bipolar.  After meeting, I thanked him via text, but had already decided not to agree to another date with him.  He just wasn’t my type.  He then called me damaged and said that I had too much baggage and said he didn’t like me.  Why it hurt my feelings when I felt the same way about him is beyond me, but it did.  Then a week later he sent a message apologizing and asked me out again.  I said no!  I decided it was too soon to be dating. I started working on myself and committed to tackling my fear of being alone.

I stayed on a few dating sites to see what type of people were out there but didn’t initiate any conversations or set up any dates.  I have been working on my diet and changing my appearance.  I’ve been trying to be happier and healthier.  About a month ago, I was chatting with a guy online again.  I didn’t have any intentions of meeting him anytime soon. I just wanted to talk to get to know him and of course, he started talking about sex.  I stopped talking to him because he was just creepy.  Another guy asked for my phone number so we could text, I made sure to run a background check and good thing I did because he’s a convicted child molester.  I had enough and just deleted all my dating apps.

What do we do when we feel like our people picker is broken?  On top of that, I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone and I have a huge fear of rejection.  I am often misunderstood.  I try to be nice to people and they assume that I want to sleep with them.  Can’t I just be nice to people without them thinking that?  I feel kind of weird saying “hey I’m not hitting on you, but do you want to hang out?”

I’m pissed that I’m even back in this situation.  When I got married 9 years ago, I thought it would be forever.  I never worried about having to be back in the dating world.

I read online recently that the best way to get past your fear of rejection is to get used to being rejected lol.  It said to ask out anyone that you want to date even if you’re sure that they will say no.  The article said you’ll get used to being rejected and it won’t bother you.  Uh what? That sounds like a terrible idea.  It reminded me of Night at the Roxbury lol.

There is a guy that I really like, but I’m just too scared to even tell him that I’m attracted to him.  By the way, any of my coworkers who read that and thought I know who she’s talking about, no you don’t because he doesn’t work with us.  It’s not that guy, I told you we’re just friends.  I use the excuse that I’m still working on myself and that’s why I don’t tell him.

So, I wonder what advice you all have? At this point I’m just trying manifestation and hope.  I pray every night that I will find my twin flame/soulmate.  I listen to guided mediation while I sleep that claim  it will help you subconsciously attract your perfect mate.  I have talked to the mystery guy about meaningless conversations and have no plans of telling him that I’m attracted to him.  Maybe he’ll read this and tell me that he knows it’s him that I’m talking about…hahahaha.  I’m not fond of the plan that I get rejected enough times that I get used to it.

Should I just stop worrying about finding my soulmate? Should I just keep working on myself and my soul mate will magically appear?  I’m open to suggestions.

2017

So, it’s the end of 2017.  As with every year there was good and bad.  As my grandma, Mary Dailey, said, “Everything happens for a reason”.  2017 was full of losses, some good and some really heartbreaking.

In February, I lost one of my best friends.  He was part of our family and the closest thing to a brother that I ever had.  Greg Clark was someone who I was blessed to have in my life.  He made me laugh on a daily basis.  He told me stories about growing up in Aurora or as he called it, A-town and hunting for naked bunny nests..lol.   He and Rosie will forever be in our hearts.  We see reminders of him all the time and signs that make me think he’s definitely with us in spirit.  We love and miss you Greg and Rosie.

On a positive note, one of the losses in 2017 was good.  I lost over 100 pounds.  I feel healthier for sure.  I do struggle with negative body image and I have more to lose.  I feel like I have made a dent in the pounds that I wish to lose.  In 2018, my short goal is to get under 200 which is 24 pounds away (at my highest weight, I was 333 pounds). I hope to do that by the end of March.  Just a goal I set for myself.  By the end of my weight loss journey, I just want to be healthier with a better view of myself mentally and physically.   I do have a goal weight, but it’s not set in stone.  I have been diagnosed with binge eating disorder so beating that will also be on my list of things to accomplish in 2018.

Another positive in 2017, I published my first book on Amazon.  I sold some copies and it was great to feel so proud and hopeful for my writing career and future endeavors that I am currently writing.  I would like to thank everyone for encouraging me to write.  My family and friends have been very supportive about my writing and my weight loss.  I’m starting to see that I do have a lot of creativity and I’m a unique person.  I’m working on my self-esteem.  I have had many wonderful cheerleaders on my side.

I’m very proud of my children and all that they have done this year.  I believe they are on their way to full, exciting, rich lives.

I’ve repaired many troubled relationships from my past.  I no longer feel scared to return to Montana for visits.  I was there in November and December without issues.  I am thankful that I was able to work through problems and act more like an adult.  I reconnected with old friends who I really missed. I hope to visit more often in 2018.

In May, my daughter and husband and I moved to Oregon.  It’s so beautiful.  Almost every day when I walk outside, I find myself thinking this is what it must feel like to live in a terrarium.  I’m so happy in this environment.  We have been as far south as Gold Beach and as far North as Seaside.  I love the ocean so much.  For the first time in my life, I saw a whale in it’s natural habitat.  We hiked into Devil’s punchbowl and have been through the most amazing forest that I have ever cast my eyes on.

Throughout 2017, I continued to work on repairing my relationship with my dad.  We had some tough times in our past.  We were able to talk openly about our relationship and we both apologized for the way we handled things in our past.  Our relationship grew stronger and I felt closer this year to him than I ever had.  He had a tough year health wise and in November, I was able to sit by his side as he took his last breath and became an angel.  As I write this, my eyes fill with tears and my heart aches.  I wish so much that I could turn back time and start working on our relationship years sooner.  I am grateful for my dad and my mom.  They had me when he was 16 and she was 17.  Considering they were just kids themselves, they did a good job.  I’m sure it was hard and there were struggles that I know nothing about to this day.  I love them both more than I could ever put into words.  In January, I will start a grief support group through Hospice.  I hope it teaches me how to deal with his loss and the whole I feel in my heart.

Here is a text from him along my weight loss journey that I read when I feel like I need some inspiration.  I love you Dad.  

So,  I look forward to 2018 and all that it has to offer.  I hope that good things are in store for my family, my friends, and myself.  There were so many wonderful things that happened this year.  There were things that made me grow and become stronger.  I love the people in my life.  I thank God everyday for another day.  I wish you all the best in the New Year!

 

 

My Dad, Max

 

When I think about my dad, two things stand out.  Music and humor.

When I close my eyes, and think about my dad, I see him strumming one of his many guitars and singing.  He used to sing Snowflake by Jim Reeves to me when I was little.  I have no idea what that song is about, but I will forever think of him when I hear it.  They usually play it around Christmas time at the department stores and on the radio.   I was always jealous that I couldn’t play the guitar like he could.  One year, for my birthday, he bought me a bright red electric guitar and amp.  I knew for sure that I was going to be the next Joan Jett.  Unfortunately, that didn’t work out any better than the flute he gave me the year before that.  I do, however have an excellent knowledge about music trivia thanks to him teaching and challenging me for years.   He writes songs, and I write poems, stories, and blogs.  He asks me for song ideas which always makes me feel good.  He encouraged me to publish my work, which I recently did.  I truly appreciate his support and encouragement. I remember when he and I went to the Huey Lewis and the News concert.  A woman was able to get on the stage and pick up Huey Lewis and tried to pack him off the stage.  We laughed about that for years.  Music has always been my therapy for tough times in life.  It has gotten me through many difficult days, especially lately.

My dad knows so many jokes, I swear he could write a joke book.  He has a joke for everything.  When I was working as a massage therapist, he said I would do great as long as I didn’t rub someone the wrong way.  I tried being a seamstress and when it didn’t work out he said it was ok because the job was just sew sew.  Another thing that goes along with the jokes are his odd sayings.  More than once I’m sure I’ve given the look of confusion and entertainment after hearing what he had to say.  When I would call and he was busy he would say, “I’m up to my ass in alligators, so I’ll have to call you back”….what?  He used to say knock knock and of course I would say who’s there and he would say chickens butt and I would say chickens butt who and he would say chickens butt, tip it up and take a suck.  Then he would laugh hysterically.  It’s not an uncommon saying.  I actually found it online.  I remember in high school when I was easily embarrassed, he would put his sunglasses on while we were in the mall and pretend to be blind and holler “Janice, where did you go?  Don’t leave me, I can’t see where I’m going” It’s funny now, but then not so much.  He had a contagious laugh and I find myself retelling many of his jokes now that I’m older and they still get laughs.

We had our ups and downs like most people do.  Now, I am faced with the hard job of having to say goodbye to him.  I’m so sad.  I feel so bad for the times that I’ve said mean things or ignored his phone calls.  I am going to make sure when I see him next week to tell him thank you for everything he taught me.  For dealing with me through my rebellious stage.  I’m going to make sure he knows that I love him, and that I know he did the best job he could raising me and my sisters.  I’m sure there were struggles that we as kids knew nothing about.  I’m sure times were tougher than we knew.  I will treasure the time I have left with him.

It’s times like this that I wish I didn’t live so far away from home.

My new ebook

 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0768S9RNT/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_6r-2zbQCB2FCM

A fictional love story with light erotica.  I hope enjoy!

Dear Food,

Well, my surgery date is quickly approaching.  Yesterday, the anxiety of it all was overwhelming.  Someday’s are just like that though.  So I was thinking that I should write a letter to food.  Yes, a letter to food.  I have not had a good relationship with food for a long time.  It’s time to think about food in a new way.

Dear Food,

I don’t remember us having problems when I was younger.  I really didn’t like you or obsess about you like I do now.   I guess I thought of you differently as a child.  You didn’t taste good to me.  I didn’t wake up and start thinking about you.  So, I would say when our relationship changed was when I had more freedom to make choices about what I ate.  I would say around age 14.  I fell in love with Doritos.  I would eat them as often as I could.  Thankfully, my Mom was there to help me control what and how much I was eating.  I was still average size.  When I was 16, I started working as a maid on the weekends.  I had my own money and I could do pretty much what ever I wanted.  I remember one day, I got off work and I was really hungry.  I stopped at the grocery store on my way home.  I bought a package of cookies and a half gallon of milk to snack on when I got home.  The cookies never made it home.  I remember still to this day thinking, what the hell is wrong with me, I just ate an entire package of cookies while driving home.  I started hiding food in my car and in my bedroom.  I would sneak food into the bathroom and eat it.  I wasn’t too sneaky since I often forgot the wrappers in plain sight in the bathroom trash. I tried to be more careful about the choices I made with you after that until I turned 18.

When I turned 18, I made a lot of bad decisions.  I tried to move all the way across the United States, that didn’t work.  I moved back and started dating someone who I didn’t trust from a previously short lived relationship.  I got drunk and decided to get married to the person that I didn’t trust.  I worked at a fast food restaurant where I served you to people all day long.  Milkshakes, sundaes, bacon cheeseburgers, onion rings, and you get the idea.  So, food, our relationship started to get a little damaged at that point.  I created all types of combinations when I was bored at work.  I wanted a baby so bad that I often convinced myself I might be pregnant and started eating for two.  We didn’t have much money because we both made minimum wage.  I was very naive and didn’t know much about being a wife.  The next door neighbor offered to sell me his food stamps one day.  I didn’t really even know what they were.  I also didn’t know it was illegal for him to sell them to me, I should have known that paying $50 for $200 was not just my lucky day.  If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is fits here.  So I had all these food stamps that I bought and I went to the store.  I asked the cashier how they worked.  So I bought a lot of different versions of you.  Cookies, cheesecake, hot dogs, of course Doritos, lots of soda, and several versions of frozen deliciousness.  After that food ran out, I thought maybe I could sign up for my own food stamps.  I did and I got $400 per month.  Then it all went down hill.  I didn’t clip coupons anymore.  I didn’t plan meals anymore. I ate you whenever I wanted and it which ever form I wanted.  I often had a quart of chocolate milk and a king size peanut butter twix bar for breakfast.  I didn’t realize I was in trouble with you yet.

When I was 19, I finally got my wish.  I was pregnant.  I couldn’t wait to me a Mom.  As it turns out I would have to wait a little longer.  I had a miscarriage.  I was so sad and lost, I turned to you.  I ate an entire cake by myself the day after the miscarriage.  I convinced myself that it was ok because I was so upset.  Several months later, I got pregnant again.  I was very worried all the time.  I started eating more of you more frequently.  I was gaining weight quickly.  I had tried on a pair of bib overalls one day and I asked my little cousin how I looked.  She said I looked like a pregnant farmer.  The problem with that was that I was only a month along.  There was no way I was starting to show my pregnant belly.  It was my food belly she was seeing.  When I was 21, I had my son.  Life was stressful.  My relationship with his dad was very damaging and the more stressed I became, the more I turned to you.

By the time I got pregnant for the second time, my relationships with my husband and with you were bad to put it mildly.  I would steal you from the store because I thought I needed you to fill an empty space.  I was able to feed the kids good versions of you or what I thought at the time were good versions.  When it came to me, I would hide you and sneak you when nobody was around.  I ate horrible, unhealthy versions of you.  My favorite was cookies.

So now we are here.  I’m 46, the kids are grown up.  The bad marriage ended.  I’m happy with most of my life.  It’s our relationship that isn’t any better and possibly worse than it was.  I have eaten way too much of you and made almost every wrong choice I could when it came to you. I’ve tried every diet, every trick, every short cut, pills, special drinks, blah blah blah…it never worked. Your hold on me was too strong.  I am having this surgery.  You will not be able to control me anymore. I will not be your victim. I won’t be physically able to consume you fast or in large amounts.  I won’t think about you when I wake up.  My world won’t revolve around you anymore.  No more buffets, calls to Pizza Hut, or late night drives up the road to Sonic. We have had some very yummy memories and I’ve loved you and hated you for what you’ve done to me.  So, I’m done with you.  I’m ending our toxic relationship.  Goodbye food and hello healthy, happy Janice.  I’ve really missed you.

Go to your happy place…..

As the surgery date approaches, I find myself getting nervous.  I know that it will be so good for me to get this weight off.  I am really looking forward to running, hiking, and feeling alive.  At counseling yesterday, Dr. Feder asked what part I’m worried about.  I start thinking the worst of course.  What if I don’t wake up from surgery, what if the surgery doesn’t work, what if, what if, what if……I know it’s just that stupid old terror monster again.  So, when I explained that to Dr. Feder, he suggested going to my happy place.  My happy places led me to remember happy memories and think about goals that I want to achieve.  So instead of negative thoughts, I am filling my mind with positive thoughts. These are some of my happy places, memories, and goals.

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Why is it so hard to be patient?

Have you ever felt like you’re trapped in a maze?  You want to find your way out, but really there isn’t an opening to escape the maze even though you think there is. You try every way you can to get out, but really you’re not getting out until the timing is right and someone creates an exit for you to escape.

Until recently I had been so obsessed with moving to the west coast before it snowed here in Denver.  Well, recently it snowed and I was devastated.  I had a small,  private meltdown and at first felt doomed.  Then, I received an email a few days ago that said you can’t be happy with something you want that’s new until you can be happy with what you have.  When we first moved back to Denver a few years ago, I really enjoyed it.  My daughter and I would go to festivals, farmer’s markets, and hang out downtown.  My husband and I would go on road trips or almost every Sunday, we went hiking.  Family would come to Denver from Montana for visits.  Somewhere along the line, things changed.  I developed a fear of leaving the house.  It’s a big city so obviously there is crime, but I knew that when we moved back here.  I started to think about Denver differently.  To me it was no longer the cool, relaxed, city that I loved to explore.  It became a dark, scary monster.  I realize now that Denver didn’t change.  I changed.  I gave into my fears and stayed home as much as possible.  I began obsessing about moving.  I felt like if we couldn’t save enough money to move by the time winter came, my life would fall apart. I felt like I would be a failure and everyone would think I was a loser.  I kept getting little signs about God’s timing.  I chose to ignore the signs.  I recently took time to slow down and think about this.  As my grandma, Mary Dailey used to say, “everything happens for a reason”.  Who knows what reason it is, but it’s not our time to move yet.  One thing I did discover is that while there is crime here,  there is crime everywhere.  A few weeks ago, my Mom came for a visit.  Before she got here, I started looking at things to do in and around Denver.  We went to Manitou Springs, ate at new vegan restaurants, went to the botanical gardens, went to the aquarium where we fed stingrays and even had a meet and greet with a sloth.  As I watched my Mom’s face light up like a little girl while she was feeding the rays, one thing really stuck with me, I asked my daughter why when my Mom had visited so many times, have we never went and done any of these things.  Why have I let a fearful, paranoid terror monster take over my life?  I even taught my daughter to be fearful to be in public and I feel bad for that.  She deserves to be outside, exploring the place we live.  So, since winter is on its way, and it looks like we won’t be able to move until April or so of 2017, I will vow to be happy where we are.  There are so many discoveries and adventures here.  While it is a bit of a drive, Bishop’s castle is amazing.  The places available to hike are all around us here.  There is so much beauty in nature. There are kind, helpful, caring people here.  I need to stop thinking that I will be shot for walking the dog or going out to a festival.  I will be more patient and accept that it’s God’s timing and when the time is right, we will move.  I do long to be by the ocean and I will be there hopefully next year.  In the mean time, I will strive to be happy where I am.

It’s weigh in day…yuck!

Well, I said I would weigh in every Friday.  It’s that day.  Last week I was busy with my Mom who came to visit, but I still weighed in.  The previous week I was at 313.  Last Friday, I weighed 314 and today almost 315.  I only had two mess up’s while my Mom was here.  Other than that, I’ve still been vegan.  So, I try and I try and I try to lose weight.  I eat lots of fruit and veggies and drink protein shakes.  Someone said to me last week that if I really wanted to change I could just wake up one day and change.  This person also said if I were to “stop eating shitty food and exercise” I would lose weight and be healthier.  Well, thanks for being hurtful.  I don’t eat “shitty food” and I am not really good about exercising, but I’m working on it.  Do you know how hard it is to live less than 5 miles from Elitch Garden’s and not be able to go because I can’t fit on the rides? I can’t go to the store to buy new clothes because usually there isn’t a size big enough to fit me.  I can’t go the show because I can’t fit in the seats comfortably.  Strangers look at me in disgust.  Yes, I know it’s my own fault, but I do have feelings and I feel bad enough about myself without other people’s comments.

Food addiction is not any different than any other addiction.  I don’t think people on crack or meth can just wake up one day and be like, hey I think I’ll quit my bad behavior today and that’s it.  It’s not that easy.  So, I made a decision.  I will admit that I cannot do it on my own.  I have an appointment next Thursday to start the process of having gastric bypass surgery.  As with all of my blog posts, I will ask that if you don’t have anything nice to say about this, don’t comment.  I don’t need anymore negative, rude people in my life. I have talked to several people that I know that have had the surgery.  Yes, I know it’s going to be hard.  Yes, I know I will only be able to eat 2 ounces at a time.  At this point, I am desperate.  I don’t know what else to try.  I had the lap band in 2010, it hasn’t worked, I have tried Atkins, Ketogenics, Slimgenics, Weight Watchers, Thrive, Plexus, Phentermine, South Beach, and probably any other diet out there to no avail.  I can’t keep living with this self hate and loathing.  Please be supportive, I need a big support group.  I know there are risks, but being overweight has risk’s too.  I just can’t keep living like this.  I don’t understand why nothing has worked for me, but giving up is not an option.  We shall see how things go on Thursday and hopefully, I will be on the road to happiness!

The hardest job that I’ve ever had

I have had several jobs in my lifetime.  Some of them, I was really good at.  Other’s like being a waitress, I was horrible at.  I would definitely say that being a mom is the hardest job that I’ve ever had.  From the moment I found out that I was pregnant, I worried.  When both my son and my daughter were born healthy, I was so thankful.  When they were babies, I would watch them sleep for hours.  They were so peaceful and satisfied.  I can’t even count the number of pictures that I have taken of them in their lifetime.  There were good times such as watching them learn to ride their bikes or having them on my lap while we watched movies.  Of course there were bad times like when they told me I was mean and they didn’t like me.  When they cried, I was always there to try to fix whatever was upsetting them. It was really hard for me when they started to get older and didn’t need my help anymore.  I always wanted to keep them as close to me as possible.  I’m glad that they grew up to be responsible adults, but I wish they were still little.  I miss those days so much.  Now that they are adults, I love talking to them about funny memories.  For example, when my daughter was about 6 maybe she drew a lightning bolt on her forehead in pen.  I asked her why she did that and she told me that she didn’t.  She said she was born with it that way.  She was very interested in Harry Potter at the time…lol.  Then she decided that she knew how to do the river dance so anytime we would go to the store or out to eat, she would river dance.  Then there was the Ricky Martin obsession.  It makes me smile remembering those days.  When my son was little, he told me one day that he figured out why an octopus wasn’t a mean animal.  When I asked him why he said it was because they had puss in their name….lol.  He also referred to his hair as his mane and wanted me to throw roses to him when he would go ice skating.  There are so many memories like these that I cherish.  I’m so proud of the lives they are making for themselves.  They are each unique and have their own agendas. I am lucky that I get to sit on the sidelines and watch.  I hope that if they ever need me, they know that I’m here for them.  Today is my son’s birthday.  He’s 25.  He isn’t very happy with some recent choices that I’ve made and he isn’t really speaking to me.  While it hurts that I can’t call him to tell him happy birthday, I hope  he knows how much I love him and miss him.  As most people do when they are hurt and arguing, we’ve said some very cruel things to each other recently.  I am truly sorry and I hope he will someday forgive me and let me back into his life.  Nothing either of my children could do anything that would ever make me not want to be part of their lives.  Just because they’ve grown into adults doesn’t mean that my job as a mom is over.  It’s a lifetime position with ups and downs, good times, and hard times, that I am more than willing to accept.  I love my children more than I ever knew I could love another person.  I will be here for them for as long as I live.  They are the two best things that I’ve ever done and I am so thankful that God gave me the opportunity to be their mom.

Love each other, life is short!